Reverend Ron and His Glorious Future--Amen

Hallelujah!! My deliverance is at hand, for yesterday I officially became an ordained minister. Praise be to God, etc. etc. Yes folks, at ????? today I received notice that my application for ordination in the Universal Life Church was accepted. I can now marry, bury, bless, and curse people with the full backing of the great bearded one, or as the e-mail I received puts it, I am "authorized by the church to perform all peaceful rites and ceremonies of the church, including weddings, funerals, baptisms, blessings, and to preach, teach and hold meetings." I am also "...entitled to all privileges and courtesies normally offered to members of the clergy."

I have already ordered my ordination certificate and the certificate entitling me to be called "Reverend Ron." I started to go for "Mother Superior," but changed my mind because "Reverend Ron" seemed a better money-making title. I also wanted Popenfuhrer, or "Panzer Cardinal," but some guy in Italy has already claimed both titles.

This also means that I can now endorse a presidential candidate. I'm waiting for the endorsement requests to come in before deciding who pays best, and therefore deserves my endorsement. Unlike Oprah or Chuck Norris I have no plans to choose a candidate based on their skin color or religion.

I haven't decided on a name for my ministry yet but am leaning towards:

Reverend Ron's Guaranteed First Class Ticket to Heaven Only True Apostolic Faith Assembly Holy Spirit Church of Christ, and God International

It seems that Stairway to Heaven was already used in some song or something.

However I have decided that I will not seek tax-exempt status, because, as all church leaders know, our lord, savior, and all around good guy Jeebus commanded that we should pay our taxes, and his most high sometimes cranky father, God commanded that we not try to take tax exemptions for donations to him or his representatives a.k.a. don't eat of the offering you have made, and since I am a nice man-of-God I don't want to lead any of my future flock down the road to Hell--bankruptcy court maybe, but not Hell.

This should keep me out of trouble with not only He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Vained, but also on good terms with the Senate Finance Committee.

I have also decided not to set up house in Las Vegas despite the fact that it is the perfect place for a preacher due to the availability of money and prostitutes. It seems that some fellow men of God have deemed it to be on the list for God's wrath, and I don't want my ministry cut short by some faith-based-bombing.

I figure that within the year I should have enough brain dead followers giving me money that I will be able to buy prostitutes, steal money, buy politicians, buy judges, drive fancy cars, smoke meth, and live in mansions just like the rest of my fellow servants of the Lord. I'll just have to do it in Atlantic City, Reno, or maybe Texas. Though with all of the mega-ministers that are based in Texas the competition for money might be a bit much.

Anyway, keep an eye out for a new blog on the teachings and life lessons from my new ministry.

Amen. Pass the plate. And don't forget that God is watching and wants you to give generously.

Jesus Loves the Little Children

Anyone who knows me, or has perused this blog knows that I tend to go into religious conversations with sarcasm, and jokes. And, many people have told me that I have a sadistic streak when it comes to religious discussions, and that my attacks on Christians are similar to challenging a quadriplegic to a foot race.

This may or may not be true (probably is), but my attacks on religions, primarily Christianity, have a serious side which stems largely from my opinion that fanatical religious beliefs are dangerous.

This opinion has been justified time and time again throughout my life: Jonestown, Waco, Oklahoma City, Al Qaeda, Eric Robert Rudolph, and, on and on and on... But, never in my life have I seen Christian radicalism that sickened me more than what I have been looking into for the last couple of days.

While working on Monday's post I came across a mention of a documentary DVD entitled Jesus Camp. Anytime I see the word Jesus it peaks my interest, so I checked it out. In this post I intend to tell, and show you what I found.

Before I continue, I want to warn you that this post will likely entail an expenditure of a great deal of time by the reader. For this I apologize, but I feel that this subject warrants a good deal of time to fully appreciate.

BACKGROUND:

Jesus Camp is a documentary from film makers Heidi Ewing and Rachel Grady of Loki Films; an independent documentary film company whose stated goal is:

"Making films that evoke a deeper understanding of the human experience with all its complexities, high stakes and humor."

The film follows some children to and through the Kids on Fire Pentecostal summer camp in Devil's Lake, North Dakota run by Becky Fischer of Kids In Ministry International (KIMI).

KIMI is an Evangelical organization whose purpose is to:

"Teach, train, and equip children to do the work of ministry and release them in their giftings and callings."

The film was released last year, and made the film festival rounds, including Michael Moore's Traverse City film festival, where it won the "Scariest Movie" award (for good reason, as I intend to show).

The film also features an appearance by Ted Haggard who was (at the time the documentary was filmed) the head of the National Association of Evangelicals (NAE) a coalition of Evangelical churches claiming a membership of over 4.5 million members.

Haggard has since resigned his post at the NAE due to a scandal involving his having a three year relationship with a male prostitute and methamphetamine use. Haggard has since confessed to "sexual immorality", and will probably be forgiven by his deluded followers. Before his downfall, Haggard was among a select group of church leaders who had weekly conference calls with the White House concerning issues such as a national ban on gay marriage.

THE FILM:

Okay, now on to the film.

I intend to use clips of the film throughout this post, but if you like, the entire thing can be viewed online here. It is broken into 17 clips which can be viewed one at a time or as a whole. I would recommend watching the whole thing, but it is almost an hour and a half long, so I have placed a few clips within this post to show the points I'm talking about.

The film starts out the way most independent documentaries do, with an audio and video collage designed to give you a taste of what the film makers are going to 'discuss'. Then, in clip two, we are shown a portion of a typical Pentecostal service that gives the viewer a good idea of what Becky Fischer is all about.

For those of you who don't know, The Pentecostal movement began in the late 1890's in the mountains of North Carolina, USA, and for a while was a regional anomaly staying mostly in the Appalachian regions of North Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia.

Over time it has become a fragmented group of over 11,000 different Evangelical denominations including the Church of God with Signs Following, who are the infamous "snake handlers" who believe that true faith, and the grace of God can be shown by handling poisonous snakes and drinking poison.

While Pentecostal churches differ in details of their faith, and teaching, there are some core beliefs they all adhere to.

They believe in baptism by water as most Christian groups do, but they also believe in what they call baptism in the Holy Spirit. They believe that once a person has been "bathed" in the Holy Spirit they achieve a higher connection with God.

This higher connection manifests, according to believers through certain gifts, such as the ability to prophesize, and to "speak in tongues." When a person is speaking in tongues he/she basically babbles incoherently. For a non-believer it looks quite silly, but for a believer it is a form of holy communication. For many Pentecostals 'tongues' is THE sign of having been bathed in the Holy Spirit--no babble = no connection. Therefore, they all babble.

The baptisms are followed, according to adherents, by what is known as sanctification. When a person has been 'sanctified in the Lord' he/she has had the effects of their past sins wiped away--similar to the absolution of a Catholic.

Public repentance of one's sins is very important and is often a major part of Pentecostal services. Proselytizing is also very important, and is what makes them so annoying to run into.

Pentecostals tend to be poor and/or rural, poorly educated, and frankly quite annoying. They are also a group with whom I have (unfortunately) had quite a bit of experience with having grown up in Kentucky, and living for a good while in Asheville, NC quite near the epicenter of the Pentecostal movement.

I have, out of curiosity, been to many Pentecostal services. For someone like myself, all of the babbling, screaming, crying, and mayhem during these services can be a mixture of entertainment and quite honestly fear. For adherents, they can be a source of what I would term religious ecstasy.

The beliefs and drama of Pentecostal churches lend themselves quite well to people whose lives feel devoid of meaning and/or happiness, after all, what better promise can be made to someone who is suffering through the hardships of poverty and rural drudgery than the powers and love of Heaven. This is especially true for children who are given a sense of power and purpose far beyond what they could realistically expect otherwise: something shown quite well in this documentary.

Back to the film.

Clip three is very important. This clip contains an interview with Fischer wherein she discusses how easy it is to spread her message to children, and inadvertently shows why people like her prey (no pun intended) on children. She then discusses why it's important to use this predation to fight the evil followers of Islam.

I won't interject what I see her saying, and why it scares me, because nothing I could say would do it justice. You have to watch it to really see what's going on. She also discusses George Bush, but more on that subject later.

(View the clip at the link above, here, or below.)



As the film moves on we are shown the type of environment that the children in the film are raised. Many Evangelical children are home schooled which is a major tool of indoctrination. Homeschooling a child can be a good thing if the parent doing the schooling ensures that the child gets a proper education, but, most of the time, that is not the motivating factor in a parent's decision to home school.

The vast majority of the time a parent opts for homeschooling because they don't want their children exposed to ideas contrary to their own--especially scientific subjects like evolution, and social topics such as; tolerance of other races, religions, and lifestyles. This idea is also seen in cult situations, where one of the most powerful tools used is isolation from outside influences.

As a result, many of these children become incapable of participating in the larger society as an adult, and end up perpetuating the belief structure they are taught as a child. Clips 4,5,and 6 show the mechanics and result of this quite well.

In the last five minutes of clip seven we begin to see the indoctrination take shape. Fischer begins breaking down the children, and giving them their only source of hope--her ideas. It is at this point, that the film really starts to become disturbing.

(View the clip at the link above, here, or below.)



In clip eight we are shown where this indoctrination is headed with statements and messages from the instructors like: "How many want to be those who will give up their life for Jesus?" Down with the government. Put God back into government. "Make war." "Are you a part of it or not?"

While these people do a good job of putting forth their agenda regarding the government, this same agenda was summarized better more than a half-century ago:

"Today Christians … stand at the head of [this country] … I pledge that I never will tie myself to parties who want to destroy Christianity .. We want to fill our culture again with the Christian spirit … We want to burn out all the recent immoral developments in literature, in the theater, and in the press—in short, we want to burn out the poison of immorality which has entered into our whole life and culture as a result of liberal excess during the past … [few] years."

The Speeches of Adolph Hitler, 1922–1939, Vol. 1 (London, Oxford University Press, 1942), pp. 871–872.

Sound familiar? It does to me.

The Fischer philosophy on government continues in clip thirteen when the film takes an almost surreal twist as the children are asked to bless and pray over a cardboard cutout of George Bush. They are then informed that they are the most important generation in American history (talk about a sense of meaning) and are lectured on the evils of abortion. Followed by being taught a ritual using small plastic dolls to pray against abortion.

(View the clip at the link above, here, or below.)



Following the beatification of Bush, and the demonizing of abortion, we are introduced to Ted Haggard, not quite as disturbing as the other clips, but good for seeing a hypocrite in action. (You can view the clip here)

The last few clips of the film follow some of the children after they leave the camp, and show them putting their indoctrination to work, by proselytising and participating in an anti-abortion rally.

Clip fifteen ends with two of the children talking about how wonderful it is not to be afraid of dying in God's service, and how cool it would be to be a martyr.

The final clip before the end credits is especially haunting. In this clip we get really good insight to just has insane this leader and teacher of children truly is.

(View the clip at the link above, here, or below.)



And, in case you were wondering, Fischer likes the film. She believes that it casts a positive, or at least fair light on her and her cause. In contrast, Haggard felt that the film made him look too extreme.

Many people who see films or television shows like this have a hard time understanding how anyone can succumb to such a thing, but, like I said before fanatic Evangelicals prey primarily on the type of people who are the most susceptible to indoctrination: the poor, those without hope, the undereducated, the downtrodden, and especially children. Religions and governments have been doing the same thing for millennia.

Whether it’s the indoctrination of Catholic children through ritual, the saying of the Pledge of Allegiance by American school children, or the telling a small child that he or she has been given a gift and/or mission from an almighty god, all forms of establishment use a form of indoctrinating children to achieve order and control. How else could a man like Jim Jones convince hundreds of people to commit mass suicide and murder?

I won’t go so far as to say that patriotism, ethnic pride, or even religious belief are in and of themselves evil, but such things in the wrong hands can be very dangerous. Look at what Hitler was able to do to a proud honorable people who had been smacked down, and then punished for World War I. By manipulating the suffering, pride, bigotries, and desire for a better life of the German people he was able to commit atrocities the likes of which the World had never seen. And Hitler knew well that children were especially susceptible to fanatic indoctrination:

"While the older generation could still waver, the younger generation has pledged itself to us and is ours, body and soul!"

Adolf Hitler, Speech at Nuremberg, 1934

Becky Fischer, and others like her, well know this idea.

There are also the people who will say:

"This group of radicals does not represent Christianity as a whole”

Maybe not, but Osama Bin Laden does not represent Islam as a whole, yet it is his fanatic followers that have brought us to where we are today, along with radicals on the other side that continue to up the ante.

Then there are the people who watch this and try to convince themselves that a fringe group of radicals could never truly impact their lives. Much the same thoughts were around in the 1930’s when people thought that the ridiculous events in Germany would stay put, and again in the 1990’s when radicals in Afghanistan were hardly seen as a real threat to the rest of the World.

One quote that nicely summarizes the beliefs of these two different groups of people, as well as of all the Becky Fischers of the World is the following:

"I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator."

p. 46 Mein Kampf by Adolph Hitler

In the World as it is today; full of fear, doubt, suffering, and struggle there are many people who are susceptible to the rantings of lunatics and the promises of a better life to come through their teachings. And, there are many people willing to manipulate these people, and guide them to their own destruction. Don’t believe me? Watch the news, read the newspaper, or visit a local church.

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Update on the End of the World

Yesterday I told you folks about Boston's near miss with a Moon invasion, and today I have some more disturbing news regarding our impending doom.

First of all it seems that the courts in Boston have let the agents of our destruction out of jail (I figured they would be in Guantanamo by now) at which point they began trying to brainwash the media into getting 70's style haircuts. It is obviously working, because none of the reporters is asking stupid questions like they normally do. They are instead standing around trying to keep their heads from exploding.

Here is a link to a news broadcast about these villains (just be aware of their evil brainwashing plot).

The most shocking part about this news clip is the assertion that no reasonable person could perceive these Lite-Brites as bombs. Come on people look at it:



Looks like a bomb to me. And, what's even scarier, is the fact that I have seen literally scores of devices in and around Indianapolis that look just as much (if not more) like bombs. Here is a stock photo of one of these devices:



See what I mean. Notice the similarities--they both have lights, and they are both hung at intersections. These damned terrorists are everywhere. The device pictured above is especially devious, because it somehow convinces people to stop their cars right in front of it. I now believe that the intent of this is to give a stationary target, so I haven't stopped for one all day.

Then after I arrived safely home from dodging these bombs, I discovered that I had been taking pictures of light bombs since at least last July.

Case in point: the pictures below.



The first one was taken here in Indianapolis, and clearly shows several globe shaped devices that I now believe to be bombs. I also saw a UFO that night, but was unable to get a clear picture.

The second photo was taken in NYC, and clearly shows one of the traffic halting devices as well as how the police just stand around like they are innocent devices, and not weapons of the Apocalypse. I saw Elvis standing under that light, but the march participants blocked my view before I could get a picture.

How could anyone in this post yesterday world ,with any common sense not see these things as bombs. President Bush has been trying to tell us for years that we are all in mortal danger, but people keep believing that he is merely keeping us scared shitless for political gain, and to further his goal to be Emperor. These are probably the same people don't believe the prophecies of L. Ron Hubbard.

Come to think of it this looks like a bomb:



And so does this:




That's it! I'm taking my shotgun, beer, and children and heading to the nearest bomb shelter. I'll see folks when this is over--if you're still here.

Boston Averts Attack From the Moon

Yesterday Boston authorities narrowly averted a terrorist attack from the moon.

At a cost of a mere one half million tax-payer dollars, and along with help from Homeland Security and the US Coast Guard, Boston police were able to destroy or disarm at least eleven bombs (one pictured here) cleverly disguised as blinking LED representations of the evil Mooninites.



The fear caused by the reaction of Boston authorities to these cleverly disguised WMDs was immense, and rightly so. It has nothing to do with delusional paranoia as some have suggested. Simply put--it was due to the fact that we can ill afford a war with the Moon right now.

It seems that these devices have been planted in large cities across the country including Philadelphia, where authorities found as many as 56 of these improvised Lite-Brite devices (ILD's), but foolishly treated them as a prank and violation of zoning laws.

A Prank!!! What were the people of Philly thinking? How can any rational person look at a blinking LED light board giving them the finger and not immediately think "BOMB!"? Hell people--these little terrorist bastards spelled out their evil plan in an exclusive interview with The Daily Show's Jon Stewart., and posted a practice program for creating their evil devices on the web. And wise men with a direct link to God have been warning us for years that the end is nigh.

What do you people need in order to wake up--an animated mushroom cloud over Liberty Hall?



But, Philadelphia isn't the only place that these evil devices were all but ignored.

It seems that people in several cities across the country have been all but ignoring these devices for two to three weeks. A man in San Francisco actually left one of these bombs "softly blinking" above his art gallery for several days before a friend got a ladder and bravely disarmed it, and believe it or not the gallery owner plans on keeping the bomb. Keeping a bomb? What's next in this country--shamelessly profiting from a horrible disaster?

The police in Austin, TX didn't even know that the devices were in place until the good folks at Turner Broadcasting informed them of the threat.

I for one am glad that Boston authorities have decided to help Master Shake, Frylock(shown at right battling an evil Mooninite), and Meatwad in their struggle against these Moon based allies of Bin Laden.

There is no word yet as to whether the Bush administration will place the Mooninites on their terror watch list, or if they have plans to undercut funding for this fourth member of the axis of evil.

Don't Bring a Knife to a Gunfight

For anyone who doesn't believe in a sky fairy who commands and watches over us all; is not sure about the existence of this fairy; or in any way believes or thinks differently than Christians who think they have all the answers, there always comes a time when he or she has to defend his or her belief or lack thereof against an attack from some fundamentalist Christian wacko.

In most such debates the non-believer usually defers to logic, reason, science, or some other form of intelligent argument. The problem with such tactics is that fundamentalist Christians are far from being logical, reasonable, learned people, and instead use fairy tales, faith, and ancient literature to support their position.

So, how do you prove your point, or at least get them to back off--Simple: You fight fire with fire.

There is but one source for the Christian faith, and that source is the collection of morality tales, and fairy tales known as the Bible. Without the Bible Christianity disappears (as does Judaism, and Islam). Unfortunately, most atheists, agnostics, and other non-believers have little knowledge of the Bible, and are basically stepping into a gunfight holding only a knife.

Well, as it turns out, I can help with this. The main reason I became an atheist was my father's insistence that I learn the Bible as a child. This intense regimin of study not only taught me the Bible, but also showed me what a crock it is, so eventually led to my abandoning the faith.

The Bible is full of discrepancies, contradictions, and other wonderful pieces of ammo that, when used correctly, stops Christian bullshit dead in its tracks. I know where most of this stupidity is, and have successfully used the Bible against Christidiots many times. It is my intention to begin sharing this ammo with you.

As I see it for now, this will become a semi-regular topic covering one or two topics of debate at a time. Most of these topic discussions will only work against fundamentalist Christians, as they are the ones who believe that the Bible is the unerring word of God. Other sects, such as Catholics, have gone out of their way to develop arguments based on logic. Such arguments are relatively hard to counter, but fortunately these people are usually not the ones trying to get you to "repent" and see things there way only.

For my first installment, I will address one of my recurring themes (the fallacy of the Bible's containing divine truth), and one of my favorite stories (the death of Judas.)

HOW DID JUDAS DIE?

At the center of most fundamentalist Christians' arguments for their belief being the true belief is the line: "the Bible says;" "because it's in the Bible;" or some other form of reference to the Bible. According to their way of thinking, everything written in the Bible is from God, and therefore not only instructions and statements directly from him, but also the absolute truth. If this were in fact the case, then no statement in the Bible would directly contradict another, because there can be only one absolute truth.

The story of Judas' death in one wonderfully graphic example of two contradictory "truths."

For those of you who don't know who Judas is, he is the guy who betrayed Jesus to the authorities for thirty pieces of silver, and therefore, one of the big villains (something that could also be argued) in the story of Jesus.

As the accepted story goes, Judas felt guilty for his betrayal, and went back to the temple of the priests who paid him off:

And he cast down the pieces of silver in the temple, and departed, and went and hanged himself.

And the chief priests took the silver pieces, and said, It is not lawful for to put them into the treasury, because it is the price of blood.

And they took counsel, and bought with them the potter's field, to bury strangers in.

Wherefore that field was called, The field of blood, unto this day.

Matthew 27:5-8 (I am using the King James version of the Bible since is the one that most Protestants use, but other versions say the same thing)

So, in effect, Judas threw the money back to the Priests then went and hanged himself. Then the priests bought a potters field to bury strangers in. Since the field was bought with "blood money," they named the field "the field of blood."

This is the story that is widely accepted as the true word of God on this subject.

But---According to the book of Acts Judas' actions, and demise were quite different.

Men and brethren, this scripture must needs have been fulfilled, which the Holy Ghost by the mouth of David spake before concerning Judas, which was guide to them that took Jesus.

For he was numbered with us, and had obtained part of this ministry.

Now this man purchased a field with the reward of iniquity; and falling headlong, he burst asunder in the midst, and all his bowels gushed out.

And it was known unto all the dwellers at Jerusalem; insomuch as that field is called in their proper tongue, Aceldama, that is to say, The field of blood.

Acts 1:16-19

Okay, a much different story supposedly being told soon after the events described. In this story, Judas DOES NOT RETURN the money. HE is the one who buys the field. And then, while in the field, Judas falls down, explodes, and his guts "burst forth," and everyone in Jerusalem knows what happened which is why they call the field "the field of blood."

To me, this is a much more entertaining story; like something out of a modern slasher film.

I have thrown this at many Bible thumpers, and most of the time it confused them so much they shut up and left me alone. But, there have been the occasional stubborn individuals who tried to argue that I was reading it wrong. Below are the arguments I've heard and my replies:

1) Judas was left hanging so long that he exploded. My reply: if he hanged himself then how did he get to the field? Answer: He hanged himself in the field. Reply: then how did he buy the field? Answer: He bought it before he hanged himself. Reply: But how did he buy it with "reward of iniquity' if he had given the reward back to the priests? Answer: You're going to Hell!

2) Judas was buried in the field then exploded. Reply: Nowhere does it say that Judas was buried, only that the field was for the burial of strangers. Besides if he was buried before he exploded then no one would know about it. But, there is still the problem of who bought the field. Answer: You're going to Hell!

Basically, no matter how someone twists the details of the story, there are two totally different versions of who bought the field with the "reward of iniquity."

Two absolute truths?

A common answer to this is that the Bible is the word of God, but was written and edited by men, so will contain the occasional mistake, because men make mistakes.

My reply? If there are mistakes, then how does anyone know what is mistake and what is correct? For all you know, everything you believe may be the mistakes. In fact the entire book may be the wrong story.

Their reply: Well I have faith in God.

My reply: How do you know there is a God.

Reply: The Bible.

My Reply: The above story.

Most people let go of the argument when confronted with a statement about faith, but if you point out that their faith is based entirely on a book that is rife with mistakes, and that they would be better off believing in a better written fairy tale, such as The Lord of the Rings, these nutbags tend to just curse you to Hell and go away to babble amongst themselves.

Praise Frodo.

In the next instalment, we will discuss the argument that God created everything.

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Jesus is In Florida, Not Louisianna

Well, it seems that my assumption that Jesus had returned as a female chimpanzee, and A Simple Girl's postulation that Jesus was a komodo dragon may have both been wrong.

By way of God is for Suckers I have learned that Jesus has been alive for some time and lives in Florida.

Jesus is a recovering heroin addict, who now preaches that all sin died with the first Christ. What this means is simply that sin is no longer a problem. So, now rape, murder, and being Paris Hilton are okay in the eyes of God. Hopefully, Indiana will now lift its silly restriction against selling beer on Sunday, because I don't always remember to stock up on Saturday, and quite often drink everything I have stockpiled on Friday and Saturday.

I have to say that Christ has gotten a lot better than the whiny ass he was the first time around. And judging by the photo below, his followers have gotten hotter than I ever imagined St. Paul to be.


Well I have to cut today's post a little short. It's Sunday, and I need to find the television remote, and get a beer from the fridge (I remembered this weekend), so I can get back to Sunday services.

Jesus Has Returned

Okay, I am a big enough man to admit that I may have been wrong about Christianity.

One of the biggest tenets of their faith is that Jesus Christ would one day return to Earth and bring about the end of time, after which we would all be judged for our sins. It seems that he has arrived in Shreveport, LA.

As an obvious double-slap to Christian Fundamentalists, Jesus came back as a female chimpanzee.

According to the Shreveport Times, Jesus (now known as Tracy, and pictured at right with her mother and an aunt) was born to Teresa, an old female thought to be barren (a lot like Abraham's wife) who has not had contact with a male chimp capable of producing offspring (a lot like President Bush).

Since Jesus/Tracy has yet to begin preaching or judging we can't be sure what the future of humanity will be, but you can damned sure bet that Charlton Heston will be sorry for uttering the phrase "you damned dirty ape."


Obviously God could not be reached for comment on this little ironic twist of fate, but after many hours of prayer and a couple of bottles of rum, I have come to the conclusion that the second coming happening as it has in the form of a female chimp in the United States may have something to do with God's being quite the jokester, or Pierre Boulle's being the last true prophet of God.

Side note: Below is the promotional photo for the remake of the Scorsese classic The Last Temptation of Christ