Reverend Ron and His Glorious Future--Amen

Hallelujah!! My deliverance is at hand, for yesterday I officially became an ordained minister. Praise be to God, etc. etc. Yes folks, at ????? today I received notice that my application for ordination in the Universal Life Church was accepted. I can now marry, bury, bless, and curse people with the full backing of the great bearded one, or as the e-mail I received puts it, I am "authorized by the church to perform all peaceful rites and ceremonies of the church, including weddings, funerals, baptisms, blessings, and to preach, teach and hold meetings." I am also "...entitled to all privileges and courtesies normally offered to members of the clergy."

I have already ordered my ordination certificate and the certificate entitling me to be called "Reverend Ron." I started to go for "Mother Superior," but changed my mind because "Reverend Ron" seemed a better money-making title. I also wanted Popenfuhrer, or "Panzer Cardinal," but some guy in Italy has already claimed both titles.

This also means that I can now endorse a presidential candidate. I'm waiting for the endorsement requests to come in before deciding who pays best, and therefore deserves my endorsement. Unlike Oprah or Chuck Norris I have no plans to choose a candidate based on their skin color or religion.

I haven't decided on a name for my ministry yet but am leaning towards:

Reverend Ron's Guaranteed First Class Ticket to Heaven Only True Apostolic Faith Assembly Holy Spirit Church of Christ, and God International

It seems that Stairway to Heaven was already used in some song or something.

However I have decided that I will not seek tax-exempt status, because, as all church leaders know, our lord, savior, and all around good guy Jeebus commanded that we should pay our taxes, and his most high sometimes cranky father, God commanded that we not try to take tax exemptions for donations to him or his representatives a.k.a. don't eat of the offering you have made, and since I am a nice man-of-God I don't want to lead any of my future flock down the road to Hell--bankruptcy court maybe, but not Hell.

This should keep me out of trouble with not only He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Vained, but also on good terms with the Senate Finance Committee.

I have also decided not to set up house in Las Vegas despite the fact that it is the perfect place for a preacher due to the availability of money and prostitutes. It seems that some fellow men of God have deemed it to be on the list for God's wrath, and I don't want my ministry cut short by some faith-based-bombing.

I figure that within the year I should have enough brain dead followers giving me money that I will be able to buy prostitutes, steal money, buy politicians, buy judges, drive fancy cars, smoke meth, and live in mansions just like the rest of my fellow servants of the Lord. I'll just have to do it in Atlantic City, Reno, or maybe Texas. Though with all of the mega-ministers that are based in Texas the competition for money might be a bit much.

Anyway, keep an eye out for a new blog on the teachings and life lessons from my new ministry.

Amen. Pass the plate. And don't forget that God is watching and wants you to give generously.

A Note on Comments

During my absence many people have seen fit to reply to my various posts--for this I say thank you.

While many of the remarks left beg for a retort, and many more were just rehashes of previous remarks there are only two that I will deal with for now--both of which were remarks left on my last pre-hiatus post

The first remark I'll address is the one from "James" whose profile is inaccessible. He said that "...Christians are treated unfairly. They are the most singled out and persecuted religion behind perhaps Islam".

Now, I am not sure what country, or even planet James is from, but in this country (United States) as well as the rest of the Western World, saying that Christians are persecuted is like saying that white males are discriminated against---it's impossible. You cannot persecute a majority unless you have some kind of apartheid control over them.

Christians in this country control everything from foreign policy to social programs. They have more power in the legislative, judicial, business, and educational bodies than anyone else, and therefore maintain control over the lives of virtually everyone on the planet in one way or another.

Christians are and have been the biggest persecutors the World has ever seen: the Inquisitions, the witch hunts in Europe, the Crusades, the Ku Klux Klan, Christian support of slavery, and Jerry Falwell are but a few examples of persecution in the name of Christ. A Christian screaming "persecution!!!!!" is similar to Hitler (who claimed to be "...fighting for the work of the Lord."Mein Kampf, Ralph Mannheim, ed., New York: Mariner Books, 1999, p. 65.) calling someone a bigot.

The second remark I would like to address is one left by my friend Dan Marvin.

His comments leave open a lot of replies, but the one I'll address here is:

You all [atheists] seem to be fine and tolerate buddhism (sic), muslims (sic) or yes even satenism (sic) but when it comes to Jesus you get a deep hatred foaming at the mouth and slander whoever brings up the name Jesus Christ.

First of all, of course I tolerate Buddhists, Muslims, etc., just as I tolerate Christians. I just don't tolerate any of their attacks on me, or their baseless mythologies when they threaten to affect me or the ones I love.

Second, I have never slandered any body. Challenging their beliefs, and defending mine is in no way slanderous. Saying that they did something to me that they didn't would, however, be slanderous. As would saying that I have never backed up what I say.

Then there's the issue of hatred for people who bring up the name of Jeebus. I don't hate them, in many ways I pity them. And, in fact, I was married to a devout Catholic whom I loved very much, and to this day maintain correspondence with the Priest who held her funeral mass despite my having told him in a fit of grief at my wife's wake that his god could "go fuck himself if he was so compassionate that he would take my children's mother away from them and me." I have since apologized for that comment, but not the feelings behind it.

Now that I have addressed past comments I will move on with things and only address new challenges.

Five Things About Me

I have been officially tagged by Mojoey at Deep Thoughts with a meme. Being new to this I can only hope that I am getting this right by telling five things about me that readers may or may not know, and then tagging others with the same challenge.

As this blog is relatively new, supplying five unknown facts about myself is relatively easy so, here goes:

Fact One--I am a backslider:

Believe it or not, I was raised a hardcore fundamentalist Christian. My father was a fervent follower of the teachings of a man by the name of Garner Ted Armstrong and drummed the teaching of Garner Ted into me on a daily basis.

Among other things, I was taught that Pope Jon Paul II was the anti-Christ and that it is a sin to eat pork, celebrate Christmas, celebrate Easter, celebrate damned near anything for that matter. Pops also taught me that going to church on Sunday instead of Saturday is a sin, and that everything in the Bible (King James Version) is literal truth. I had to do a complete study course on the Bible under his direction.

I saw my first book burning when I was twelve when Dad burnt a Time Life book on the evolution of man that I had gotten from school. He also beat me senseless for having the book, and refused to pay for it because it shouldn't have been printed in the first place. Dad then arranged to have the demons in me expelled.

Fact Two--I am a widower.

In 1991 I married a wonderful woman whom I had been dating for four years and living in sin with for one. We produced two wonderful children before her death in 1994 due to an inoperable brain tumor.

I met her in college, told my room mate that she was the woman I would marry, and never looked back. My time with her was the most wonderful period of my life.

Fact Three--I'm a Vet.

I served in the U.S. Army for six years after high school. During that time I did nuclear missile security in Germany, and was stationed with the 82nd Airborne division at Fort Bragg, NC, as a team leader in C company 1st battalion 505th Parachute Infantry Regiment.

Fact Four--I'm a music fanatic.

I am very passionate about music, and listen to music during the majority of my waking moments. I am particularly fond of 80's hair metal, punk, and 90's grunge.

Fact Five--I'm a good cook.

I have always enjoyed food, but since I could never find anyone to cook for me I had to learn to do so myself. I don't have a particular type of food that I like, so I dabble with all types of cooking. Lately I have been doing a lot of Mexican food. Not the Tex-Mex crap that is passed off so often as Mexican food, but true Mexican foods. A friend's wife has been supplying me with recipes that she got from her mother and grandmother. Her family is from some village in southern Mexico that I've never heard of.

Okay, that's five about me, so I'll tag Michelle at Mutant Cat since she's really the only person I know on here, and her answers would promise to be interesting.