Reverend Ron and His Glorious Future--Amen

Hallelujah!! My deliverance is at hand, for yesterday I officially became an ordained minister. Praise be to God, etc. etc. Yes folks, at ????? today I received notice that my application for ordination in the Universal Life Church was accepted. I can now marry, bury, bless, and curse people with the full backing of the great bearded one, or as the e-mail I received puts it, I am "authorized by the church to perform all peaceful rites and ceremonies of the church, including weddings, funerals, baptisms, blessings, and to preach, teach and hold meetings." I am also "...entitled to all privileges and courtesies normally offered to members of the clergy."

I have already ordered my ordination certificate and the certificate entitling me to be called "Reverend Ron." I started to go for "Mother Superior," but changed my mind because "Reverend Ron" seemed a better money-making title. I also wanted Popenfuhrer, or "Panzer Cardinal," but some guy in Italy has already claimed both titles.

This also means that I can now endorse a presidential candidate. I'm waiting for the endorsement requests to come in before deciding who pays best, and therefore deserves my endorsement. Unlike Oprah or Chuck Norris I have no plans to choose a candidate based on their skin color or religion.

I haven't decided on a name for my ministry yet but am leaning towards:

Reverend Ron's Guaranteed First Class Ticket to Heaven Only True Apostolic Faith Assembly Holy Spirit Church of Christ, and God International

It seems that Stairway to Heaven was already used in some song or something.

However I have decided that I will not seek tax-exempt status, because, as all church leaders know, our lord, savior, and all around good guy Jeebus commanded that we should pay our taxes, and his most high sometimes cranky father, God commanded that we not try to take tax exemptions for donations to him or his representatives a.k.a. don't eat of the offering you have made, and since I am a nice man-of-God I don't want to lead any of my future flock down the road to Hell--bankruptcy court maybe, but not Hell.

This should keep me out of trouble with not only He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Vained, but also on good terms with the Senate Finance Committee.

I have also decided not to set up house in Las Vegas despite the fact that it is the perfect place for a preacher due to the availability of money and prostitutes. It seems that some fellow men of God have deemed it to be on the list for God's wrath, and I don't want my ministry cut short by some faith-based-bombing.

I figure that within the year I should have enough brain dead followers giving me money that I will be able to buy prostitutes, steal money, buy politicians, buy judges, drive fancy cars, smoke meth, and live in mansions just like the rest of my fellow servants of the Lord. I'll just have to do it in Atlantic City, Reno, or maybe Texas. Though with all of the mega-ministers that are based in Texas the competition for money might be a bit much.

Anyway, keep an eye out for a new blog on the teachings and life lessons from my new ministry.

Amen. Pass the plate. And don't forget that God is watching and wants you to give generously.

Bigotry is Alive and Well

Who says bigotry is dead in this country (aside from old-white bigots)? Well here is proof to the contrary. Maybe T.T. can get together with Denny Altes and burn a few crosses for God at the next Republican convention.

Thanks to Jesus' General for leading me to this nutbag.

Color of Stupidity

I got some interesting junk mail yesterday, and being the generous person I am, I felt the need to share it.

The waste of paper in question was a post card advertisement for Color of the Cross which, according to the post card, is:

A powerful, epic film which vividly depicts the last 48 hours of the life of Jesus Christ, Color of the Cross is also the first film to portray Jesus as a black man and to suggest that the Crucifixion could have been racially motivated.

This little post card bothers me for a couple of different reasons. First there is the fact that all of the energy and paper used to promote another version of this boring fairy tale could have been put to better use, such as toilet paper, or to keep me up to date about the life of Britney Spears.

But even worse is the plot of the movie itself. Do we really need another excuse for racism in the name of God?

Never mind that, according to the whole Jesus fairy tale, mister Christ's family was from what we now know as the Middle-East, and not sub-Saharan Africa: the whole reason this little wuss was born was to die for the sins of mankind, so whoever killed him, whether it was the Romans, Mel Gibson's Jewish conspiracy, whitey, or orcs who were searching for the ring of power, the killer was doing the work of the Lord which from what I've read is killing everyone who looks at you funny, turning women into slaves/breeding stock, and turning water into wine. Granted, that last one is a noble pursuit.

Admittedly, I will probably not watch this movie, but it is obviously nothing more than an attempt to give people another reason to hate me because my skin tone is similar to that of people long dead whom I never knew and would have, quite frankly, not associated with, and from what I have seen lately, people already have more than enough reasons to do this