Eva Mendes vs Pickles

Southern Baptists are doing their part for US troops in Iraq. They are taking time out from preaching about the benefits of hating everybody that isn't a Southern Baptist, their desire for Theocracy, hatred of gays, and support for the war these troops are dying in and the person responsible for their being there, to send CARE packages to troops fighting the heathens in Iraq.

According to the AP:

Southern Baptists are sending Christian magazines to troops in Iraq as an alternative to the "lad mags" that feature scantily clad women, hoping to get clean, positive images in front of the servicemen.

Lifeway Christian Resources, the publishing arm of the Southern Baptist Convention, is working with Baptist associations and churches to create "Lifeboxes," which include magazines like Christian Single, notes of encouragement, gum, socks, candy, stationery supplies and wet wipes.

The gum, socks, candy, etc. are likely appreciated. As a former infantry soldier myself, I know that such packages do supply a bit of a morale boost to their receiver.

But, Christian Single magazine? Give me a break.

The "lad mags" they are trying to replace are Maxim and Stuff, so lets compare these magazines with Christian Single to see which magazine an average 20 year old American male hopped up on testosterone, forced to live in a foreign country, and facing death would prefer to browse during their down time.

First up--Maxim:


Maxim has been sending free copies of their magazine to troops in Iraq and Afghanistan for almost two years, at the request of the troops.

At right is the cover of their latest issue.

Inside this issue is an interview with Eva Mendes (and several photos), a photo shoot with the Victoria's secret models, a review of Switchfoot's new CD, a review of the Jackass 2 DVD, an interview with Michael Madson, a list of the 50 lamest things of all time ("crooks finding Jesus' comes in at #4), and an article containing the six steps to a successful quickie.

Since the beginning of the Iraq war, Maxim has written articles on the war and the people fighting it, and done USO type tours and shows for the troops.

Then, there's Stuff:


Their latest cover.

They interview Dominique Swain from the movie Alpha Dog, and Jesse James (of West Coast Choppers--not the dead outlaw), have an article about police pursuit pilots, review the Discovery Channel show Future Weapons (a show about military weapons hosted by a former navy SEA)L , and talk about the new Oasis, and Shins CDs.





Then we have the competition donated by the Southern Baptists--Christian Single


The cover of the latest issue--

They don't have a link to the contents of the latest issue, and I can't find it anywhere, but they do have a pdf file of a sample issue, so subscribers know what to expect.

In the sample issue there is an interview with Tia and Tamera Mowry, the teenage twin stars of ABC's then the WB's (now known as the CW) television show Sister, Sister. In the interview, the girls talk about how they kept their faith during their time in Hollywood. The girls also grace the cover of the sample issue, which is ironic, since Tia once said in an interview with Christianity Today that:

"In Hollywood, you're not on the cover of a magazine because you helped the poor or volunteered at a hospital; you're on the cover because you're worth so-and-so amount of money."

Anyway, hypocrisy aside, the sample issue also has a review of 5 CDs from groups I have never heard of (However, one group, "Mainstay", was compared to Switchfoot whose new CD was reviewed in the new Maxim), and a review of a DVD of the movie End of the Spear (which I have also never heard of) which is about missionaries killed in 1956 for trying to interfere in a tribal war in Ecuador. The reviewer says that the "highlight of the movie is actually found in its closing credits." Sounds like a must-see.

Also contained in this issue is an article about how Christians should treat the Homeless (pray for them, make them some soup, and give to Christian homeless shelters), advice for first-date conversation starters ("If you could hang with anybody for a day (except Jesus), who would it be?), and a pickle recipe.

So, there we have it. The competition.

First, let me say that I am not endorsing Maxim, or Stuff, although I do agree that Eva Mendes is very good looking, and like the pictures of her. I got over the whole "lad-mag" thing years ago. However, I was once a 20 year old US Army soldier, thousands of miles away from home facing death, and remember what it felt like.

During what we called "down-time" my friends and I wanted to forget about what we did for a living. We went out when we could. When we did go out, we drank way too much and tried our damnedest to impress any woman around. When we couldn't go out on the town, we sat around the barracks, tents, or where ever, and talked about girls back home, movies, music, and women who we "admired"--basically anything that wasn't what we were doing where we were at.

As has been the case for as long as there have been magazines and photographs, soldiers in combat have turned to pictures of beautiful women for a relief from reality. Whether it was pinups of Betty Grable during WW II and the Korean War, pictures of Marilyn Monroe and Playboy centerfolds during the Vietnam war, or Maxim's photos of Eva Mendes and the Victoria's Secret models now, these photos have allowed young men who are suffering in ways most people could never understand to escape for a while into the realm of fantasy that helps keep them sane.

They don't want, or need, to be preached to.

Save that for when you are trying to explain why they had to see their best friend's head blown off, or why they no longer have legs.

Who Will Tend the Flock

Well folks, it turns out that there are as many gay sheep (per-capita) as there are gay humans (sheep must like Sinatra too.)

When I first discovered this, my faith was a little shaken. I asked myself how this many sheep could choose to be gay. Since we all know that being gay is a choice to affront the will of God, and not part of the natural scheme of things, because to accept that being gay is natural would mean we would have to treat gay people like human beings, which is something that no real Christian could do.

So, I did like all good Christians and just ignored the fact that studies like these (and common sense) show that being gay is part of nature, and not some kind of evil way of life. Yes, my brethren I ignored the facts and reality and turned instead to the Bible, to find out who should help these poor lost sheep.

First I discovered that sheep have their own prayer. It's in Psalms, and I had heard it before, but never saw the context. It goes like this:

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

After seeing this I began to believe that God had a plan for these poor sheep.

Then I found the following:

I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine.

As the Father knoweth me, even so know I the Father: and I lay down my life for the sheep.

And other sheep I have, which are not of this fold: them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold, and one shepherd.

John 10: 14-16

There was my proof. Jesus was sent down here to help the sheep--not just the sheep that followed him, but also the sheep who didn't know him.

So, to whom may the sheep turn for help in knowing Jesus in our modern world? Well I found many churches that go by the name "The Good Shepherd", but it seems that all of them minister solely to humans, which seems to be an affront to God's will concerning sheep. So, my search continues.

Maybe someday I will find the Reverend Bo Peep, who will look after the souls of these poor creatures, and apply some form of the bullshit (oops. It slipped) commonly known as "ex-gay" to these poor creatures.

(And don't try to tell me that Bo Peep is a fictional character, because I think we all know that she is as real as Jesus.)

Until I find Reverend Bo Peep, I guess I will just have to live in a World based on reality, and not hatred and stupidity, and just accept these sheep for who they are instead of making up excuses to hate them.

Sinatra's Gay Grannies Agenda

Well folks, today I learned something horrible. According to Donnie Davies at Love God's Way, Frank Sinatra had a hidden gay agenda. Yes folks, The Chairman of the Board, The Voice, Ole' Blue Eyes had been using his music to turn the generation that fought the Second World War gay.

According to Mr. Davies:

One of the most dangerous ways homosexuality invades family life is through popular music. Parents should keep careful watch over their children's listening habits, especially in this Internet Age of MP3 piracy.

To protect families and children Mr. Davies has compiled a list of "Gay Bands" and Frankie is on this list right between K D Lang (gay), and Hinder (shitty).

While I normally don't worry about "hidden gay agendas", this one was scary because it could involve my grandmother, and quite frankly, visions of Granny and Rosie O'Donnel locked in lesbian sex is quite disturbing to me.

You see, my grandmother (who turned 89 last December) all but raised me from the time I was twelve until I went into the Army at 17. During these formative years my grandmother allowed me to listen to music I liked such as: Led Zepplin (not on the list), KISS (also not on the list),and The Eagles (Nope, not on the list), but she also took control of the music occasionally and listened to bands such as Glenn Miller, Count Basie, and Tommy Dorsey (for whom Frankie was a lead singer), as well as performers like Bing Crosby, Dean Martin, and, yes you guessed it, Frank Sinatra.

Granny used to talk a lot about how "gorgeous a man" Sinatra was and lamented modern society's lack of "real men" like Sinatra, Martin, and Bogart. So, obviously Sinatra had cast his "turn you gay" spell over my poor unsuspecting grandma.

When I first became aware of Sinatra's evil doings it seemed a bit far fetched. After all, this was the man about whom Humphrey Bogart once said:

"If he could stay away from the broads and devote his time to being an actor, he'd be one of the best in the business."

And whom the FBI even had record of being something of a ladies man, or as they labeled him: a seducer, and adulterer. This is the guy who won an academy award for his part in From Here to Eternity, and again for his part in The Manchurian Candidate. He was also in the original Ocean's Eleven, and one of my favorite movies: Von Ryan's Express.

But, then other little tidbits started dawning on me, such as one of Sinatra's signature songs I've Got You Under My Skin, which was written by Cole Porter (on the list), who was somewhat openly gay.

But the big give away was Granny herself. I remember her saying one time that she didn't care if Rock Hudson was gay because he was a wonderful actor and "very nice to look at." And then there was granny's comment on Boy George (on the list--duh).




Upon seeing Boy George on television, Granny laughed at first, but then turned to me and said:

Well he is kinda cute, and has a good voice.

In my mind I put this little comment together with Granny's teaching me that it was stupid to hate people because they are a different color or religion, or because of how they look, talk, or love, and that's when it hit me. Dear God!!! Frank Sinatra turned my gramma gay.

She will probably never admit her orientation, and I didn't see her at last summer's "Dyke March" in New York, but, for her generation, open sexuality is not the norm, so I don't see her as a hypocrite, and obviously still love her even though I will probably go to Hell for doing so.

I am so glad that Mr. Davies and his hate group helped me to see the light. Though it is going to be hard to give up some of my favorite music like: Nirvana, Queen, and The Doors all of whom made the gay list. The good news I guess is that Marilyn Manson, and Nine Inch Nails didn't make the list, so are still safe for me listen to*.

Other omissions include TATU (probably because they are only pretend lesbians, or Russian, or because they are cute, unlike KD Lang, and cute girls kissing on video is OK to Christians), and Britney Spears who should be on every list of music not to listen to.

A band that made the safe list confused me though. I would think that Flyleaf's song Cassie would be objectionable because of the lead singer's (atheist and recovering drug addict) reference to belief in God being like shooting one's self in the head. But, maybe I am reading into it too much.

Another bit of confusion from this group is their use of an Oscar Wilde quote to get their message across, and referring to him as a reformed homosexual. Maybe they are referring to Wilde's being accepted in the Catholic Church on his death bed even though most literary historians agree that there was no way Wilde could have known what was going on. After all this is the guy who said shortly before his death:

"My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or other of us has got to go."

It seems that the wallpaper won.


A bit of Ron trivia--I do actually like both of these bands.

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Sexy Beast

Yesterday during a particularly strong bout of boredom I started hitting the "next blog" button at the top of the posts page.

During my travels down this route I noticed that there seemed to be a large number of blogs that had as their sole purpose the posting of pictures of women who are supposedly known by the postee. I also noticed a rather large number of sex-related sites.

While traveling through these sites I began to get bored again, and moved on to trying to find something else to amuse myself with, such as stupid religious sites, but the sheer mass of "my hot girlfriend" and "I am a sexpert" sites continued to bother me.

Don't get me wrong--I am a human, straight, male, so pictures of beautiful women, and intelligent talk (emphasis on "intelligent") about sex are both intriguing subjects to me, but when every other blog says "look at the pictures of my hot girlfriend (which I downloaded from someone else's site)," or "I know all about how to please a man/woman" it gets kind of old.

But---I also have this problem with wanting to belong, so I too will jump on the sex bandwagon, and, in the spirit of sharing, I offer you the video below. Note: this is not me, the girl is not my girlfriend, and I am in no way implying either of these statements.

Enjoy